I photographed my first ever wedding last night. As an added bonus, I worked alongside my dear friend Dzhan. It feels as if it was a whole other lifetime ago when we worked together as Midwife and Birth Assistant. The two of us... we've seen a lot.
It was another sweet family celebration, another occasion to gently guide and facilitate intimacy; another day when I was thankful to lean on Dzhan's experience and take ahold of the skills she'd taught me. She has a way of meeting me in the middle of uncertainty and quasi-chaos that heaps confidence on me without even speaking.
I love getting older. Everything is rich and familiar and seen more fully through a filter of deeper life experience.
I've been thinking a lot about love lately. I've been aware of love's ability to take from me, to leave me with less of myself than I started with. I can easily calculate the cost of being in a relationship and sometimes it seems easier to keep my heart wrapped up tightly to avoid another loss. I remember being a little girl riding my bike down a gravel hill too fast, dust flying, hands gripping wobbly handlebars, pedals spinning faster than I can keep up with. I remember quickly coming to the realization that there was a very real threat of crashing. I remember time standing still while considering all of my options: hit the brakes? tuck and roll? just enjoy the thrill? feel the wind in my hair? let a howl escape into the breeze?
Being in love again feels the same. That's what makes it better. I choose it anyways.
I'm still riding.
What I have learned about myself is that I really don't know any other way. I have to love. It's who I am. I have to let those wheels spin wildly. I have to keep loving. And so I am. In spite of the temptation to censor and protect, and in spite of a very real fear of failure, there is within me an even greater amount of love.
This love feels full and free and worthy of celebration. So I'm going to be over here soaking it up, living it fully, and feeling very very happy.
I hope you're having a good summer Friends. Cheers.