cooking dinner and melting fear

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Yesterday at 5:23pm 

My son (who has been feeling a little better every day) sits happily at my feet surrounded by pots and spoons, and is mixing together his own recipe of dried bean soup; (making a horrible mess) but proudly serving it to me again and again, saying things like, "This time I added cheese mama. Taste it again."

The girls, each at work on their own endeavors (reading, writing, photo editing) sit around the dining room table. They look up occasionally and alternately to scoop goldfish crackers from a communal bowl, and exchange stories about lunch, PE injuries, and upcoming field trips.

The sun steams in unfiltered. A strong spring wind whistles through a nearby cracked window. Ben Harper sings about Stealing Kisses. My hair is twisted and tucked and struggles to remain in a day's-end loose bun. I stand at my stove making dinner.

I stand at my stove making dinner and I think. I don't know so many things. Sometimes the unknowns scare me half to death, the frustrations threaten to overwhelm me.  I fear my inadequacy, my potential mistakes. I crush under the disapproval of others. I desire an undeliverable kind of comfort and security. I am still very much finding my way, and I definitely don't get it right every day.

But then, there comes a realization.  

In tiny moments like these, amongst everyday tasks and scenery, there is happiness and peace. I don't have to fear leaving them behind, or running out of them, or somehow struggling to create more of them. I love these moments. I love them because they are not dependent upon perfect circumstances, perfect relationships, or perfect people. Having it all figured out is not a prerequisite for enjoying the present.

Whether in struggle or ease I will always have the opportunity to do the best that I can. I will have the ability to build up others, to see good, to create fun, to laugh, to enjoy. No matter what I will always have the capacity to love. It's going to be okay, little moments like these remind me.  

And so I bask in that thought. I enjoy my children scattered about me. I smile at the messes I'm stepping in and around (literally and figuratively). I inhale the fragrance of food being prepared in my little kitchen where lilacs decorate the table. I look down at my toes painted baby blue because it's my favorite color...

And the fear melts.  

 

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I know, I know I said we would bake a lemon tart... but unfortunately, 

this little dude got attacked by a ferocious flu virus. It. was. nasty. Shhhh don't tell him that it was his birthday today. We decided it was for the best that we just play it off like wasn't. As soon as he's back to 100% we'll celebrate- when he can actually hold his head upright. Poor guy.

And so, with the exception of one little ice cream outing, and one short little hike...

the rest of the weekend was spent indoors catching up around the house, and looking after Ian.

You asked a couple questions about coffee and school in the comments last week. I intend to get to those, and that lemon tart. ​

For now, my alarm is set for 2:30am. Ungodly. But I'm all set for a baking adventure tomorrow. Be back soon. 

lately... in the kitchen

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As you know, cooking/baking is a creative outlet for me. It works out great because I also accomplish the task of feeding everyone at the same time. Here's a look at some of the yummy stuff coming out of my kitchen lately: 

 

Spaghetti carbonara. I love this recipe because it is so quick and easy. I usually fall back on it when I've forgotten to take some meat out of the freezer for dinner.

Open-faced veggie/egg sandwich. I just spread some tahini or humus on the bread first, then layered greens from my garden, radishes, cucumbers, and medium-boiled eggs. Yum.

Whole wheat tortilla layered with refried black beans, greens, shredded chicken (seasoned with taco seasoning), halved cherry tomatoes, corn, avocado, diced jalapeno, lime juice, and sour cream. 

White chocolate macadamia nut cookies. Follow Morgan's recipe for whole wheat chocolate chip cookies (my favorite!) and then just substitue the white chocolate chips and add in the nuts. These disappeared fast.

French onion. Okay, this one is quite a process... but very tasty. 

Tis the season to move the cooking outside. I love grilled pizzas. This is the recipe for my favorite crust (scroll down). We mostly freestyle our toppings, but I do love tomatoes and goat cheese topped with salad greens and avocados drizzled with oil and vinegar (bottom right).

Lavender shortbread. I love lavender. I love shortbread. Match made in heaven! Recipe here. 

When it's not too windy we're back to eating outside. Lemon relish salmon tastes so good on the deck. 

Sometimes the breakfast fairy visits and she leaves behind some goodies. Chocolate zucchini cake (above) or a puffy oven pancake (below) .

Hope you find time today to whip up something pretty. Come back tomorrow and let's make a lemon tart!