what if?

What if I’ve always had the words? What if I never lost them- but what if they were just buried under inaccurate judgements or the fear that i don’t actually have anything of value to say?

What if I don’t really want to have a conversation? What if I don’t want to discuss viruses or elections or any of the other polarizing and divisive topics of our day. What if I just want to deposit beauty here every now and then? Photos, words, gratitude, curiosity, hope, adventure, warmth, things heart-felt.

What if my perspective is limited by my own understanding of the human experience? What if that looks very different from yours?

What if building an authentic life that honors my relationships (including the relationship I have with myself) is sometimes messy and complicated? What if that realness is evident in my writing?

What if some of the people I love the most don’t want to be photographed or written about? What if their other parent doesn’t want them photographed or written about?

What if my own words are taken out of context and used against me? Again.

What if I can’t promise consistency?

What if interesting ideas and deep thoughts stop coming to me or landing on me because I never give birth to them? What if inspiration grows weary of trying to get my attention.

What if I’ve shed a lot of the me that used to write here? What if I’m altogether different now? What if I’m less palatable?

What if my whole life goes by and I was never truly the author of it?

What if I just started writing again? What if I stopped asking questions (which are really just nobly dressed excuses) and slowly started publishing the words that I carry around? I’ve filled enough private journals and notebooks over the last several years. What if I started sharing again? I can’t promise that it will be pretty. There’s a chance that you’ll gain nothing from reading what’s written here. I can promise that it will be me. These will be my words- flawed and true all at the same time. My words.

it's been a long time

I’m thinking of quietly stepping back into this space. I’m not sure how long I’ll stay. I have a lot of questions about what form I want my writing to take. For now, hi there. It’s me. Still me.

Feeling very very happy.

I photographed my first ever wedding last night. As an added bonus, I worked alongside my dear friend Dzhan. It feels as if it was a whole other lifetime ago when we worked together as Midwife and Birth Assistant. The two of us... we've seen a lot. 

It was another sweet family celebration, another occasion to gently guide and facilitate intimacy; another day when I was thankful to lean on Dzhan's experience and take ahold of the skills she'd taught me. She has a way of meeting me in the middle of uncertainty and quasi-chaos that heaps confidence on me without even speaking. 

I love getting older. Everything is rich and familiar and seen more fully through a filter of deeper life experience. 

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. I've been aware of love's ability to take from me, to leave me with less of myself than I started with.  I can easily calculate the cost of being in a relationship and sometimes it seems easier to keep my heart wrapped up tightly to avoid another loss. I remember being a little girl riding my bike down a gravel hill too fast, dust flying, hands gripping wobbly handlebars, pedals spinning faster than I can keep up with. I remember quickly coming to the realization that there was a very real threat of crashing. I remember time standing still while considering all of my options: hit the brakes? tuck and roll? just enjoy the thrill? feel the wind in my hair? let a howl escape into the breeze? 

Being in love again feels the same. That's what makes it better. I choose it anyways.

I'm still riding. 

What I have learned about myself is that I really don't know any other way. I have to love. It's who I am. I have to let those wheels spin wildly. I have to keep loving. And so I am. In spite of the temptation to censor and protect, and in spite of a very real fear of failure, there is within me an even greater amount of love.   

This love feels full and free and worthy of celebration. So I'm going to be over here soaking it up, living it fully, and feeling very very happy.

I hope you're having a good summer Friends. Cheers.